Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Birthday

My blog is five years old today, so I thought this was a good excuse to celebrate by sharing a link to one of my all-time favourite songs by one of my all-time favourite groups, The Idle Race. I also decided that this was an appropriate moment to compile The Other Mike Church's Best Bits, which, as you can imagine, is a remarkably quick read... and an even quicker download.

If Blogger's statistics are to be trusted, this is my hundredth post since April 18th 2010, and these are the posts that have received the most views:

Walk Like A Giant and My Way are tributes to Mamel and Dad respectively, while Wasted Time is literally what it says: a completely useless list of anagrams that kept me fruitfully entertained for weeks on end. Knowing now, for instance, that "fear and ambition" is an anagram of "mortified banana" has completely transformed my file life.

Be that as it may, I find this audience chart rather more interesting:

And here are my conclusions:

1.  I need to work on my fanbase in America (South), Africa, Asia, Australia, the Arctic, and places beginning with A in general.

Having fewer than 120 visits over 5 years from 6,000,000,000 people is nothing to write home about. That works out at about 0.000000004 visits per person per year.

2. There is zero correlation between  blog visits and book sales; in my case, at least.

I estimate that about 90% of my sales are to the UK, but I get far more visits from Spain and the US. When it comes to sales, the Spaniards are usually reluctant to pay more than zero cents, while most of my American customers ask for an immediate refund once they realise what they have bought.

3. Watch out, watch out, there’s Russians about!

Despite having received 940 visits since the beginning of time this blog, I have yet to make a single sale to Russia; I have no Russian friends on Facebook (or, indeed, anywhere); and I was stood up by my gorgeous Russian brides many moons ago.

Furthermore, if we limit ourselves to pageviews in the last month, the Russians are straight in at number 2:

Well, whoever is reading this, wherever you may be, and whatever you think of all this nonsense, many thanks for your continued support. And here's hoping you'll put up with me for the next five years or so.

Some write wonderfully; some write woodenly; others write whateverly.

Colin was in the last group. He was always in the last group.

Writing was Colin’s catharsis. Whatever “catharsis” meant. And whatever “whateverly” meant, for that matter.

Well, whatever, writing whateverly, wheneverly, whereverly was a wonderful way to wish one’s woes away with words without wasting one’s whatnots by whacking walls or wailing to the wind.

dayrealing, chapter 10, "Don't Give Up"


  1. Happy birthday blog or should that be anniversary? Seems like just five years ago that I first logged in to read your nonsense. Wonderful nonsense, btw. Good luck for the next five years.

  2. Thanks as ever for your support, Kris xxx