Saturday, July 26, 2014


I recently started releasing my books as audiobooks on Audible. Amazingly, despite zero promotion on my part and an inflated price tag – over which I have no control, I hasten to add –, I have already sold two, yes, TWO, copies of Spanish for Rhythmic People! Even more amazingly, however, it would appear that they intend paying me in chocolate bars:

Naturally, I queried this, and I asked whether I might choose an alternative form of payment, given that chocolate gives me migraine. I pointed out that I would be perfectly happy to be paid in bottles of wine and/or whisky. They haven’t got back to me yet.
COge las maLEtas, nos VAmos
Get the cases, we’re leaving

COMpra unos HUEvos camPEros
Buy some free range eggs

¡DADme mi diNEro, caBRONes!
Give me my money, you bastards!

¡DEja de juGAR con tu PElo!
Stop playing with your hair!

HOY es el ayER de maÑAna
Today is tomorrow’s yesterday

NAdie enTIENde mi LIbro
Nobody understands my book

¡OStras! ¡La somBRIlla se VUEla!
Blimey! The parasol’s blowing away!

¿QUIÉN se ha lleVAdo mi SIlla?
Who’s taken my chair?

¿VAmos a la PLAya, AMAia?
Shall we go to the beach, Amaia?

¿VOY recogiENdo, caRIño?
Shall I start tidying up, darling?

Spanish for Rhythmic People, Pattern 20, “DUM-di-di di-DUM-di di-DUM-di

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Details In The Fabric

For anyone who cares…

… about little things like numbers and letters
… little things like commas and colons
… things like accents and hyphens
… like dots and apostrophes

For anyone who cares…

… about silly things like rows and columns
… silly things like words and phrases
… things like puns and palindromes
… like spelling and syntax

For anyone who cares…

… about pretty things like tales and stories
… pretty things like poems and sonnets
… things like songs and opera
… like books and novels

For anyone who cares…

… about simple things like singing and playing
… simple things like sharing and learning
… things like reading and writing
… like living and laughing

For anyone who cares,

This one’s for you

A teacher, I, and for my sins I’ve worked.
I slave away, my DoS, he guards the door.
‘Piss off!’ I cry, ‘Have I my duties shirked?’
‘Not yet,’ says he, ‘but soon you will, I’m sure.’
Reports, reports– that’s all I seem to do.
A waste of time, believe me, I should know.
But don’t complain– they’ll only say, ‘Poor you’.
There’s no way out, why bore you with my woe?
Directors come, directors go, sob, sob.
They scream and shout, they nag me, and it galls.
For they refuse to let me do my job.
I’d gladly hang the lot up by the balls.
I hope you liked my silly Shakespeare sonnet.
It’s time to go, my end is weak, but sod it.

            dayrealing, Chapter 30, “Laughing Stock”