Thursday, March 13, 2014

Where Do The Children Play?

Well, not here, anyway. This is where I've spent most of my lunchtimes this week, enjoying the beautiful sun in an anything-but-beautiful square, which, for the record, is in fact a triangle:

So I find my bench... close my eyes... and start thinking... about life and death... lunches and dinners... love and disdain... leftovers and dustbins... And then I ask myself... But where do the children play?


            Amanda’s Essential Life And Death Skills Seminars were the highlight of Colin’s day. Of everybody’s day. They were everything a good class should be: practical, professional and popular; in brief, everything Colin’s classes were not. Colin had a quick glance at this term’s programme:

            1. How to Turn Lights On and Off
            Aimed at people who have problems remembering to turn lights off (or on)

            2. How to Wax Your Legs Effortlessly
            Aimed at people who don’t like shaving, and leg lovers in general

            3. How to Peel an Apple in One
            Aimed at people who enjoy challenges involving knives (and apples)

            4. How to Park Without Getting Blocked In
            Aimed at people who drive but don’t like getting blocked in

            5. How to Take the Rubbish Out
            Aimed at people with kitchens, and people who’d like to help out occasionally

            6. How to Shave Without Bleeding to Death
            Aimed at people who treat their face as if it were a loaf of bread

            7. How, When and Why to Flush a Toilet
            Aimed at people who use toilets on a regular basis

            8. How to Bite Your Toenails Discreetly
            Aimed at people who enjoy challenges involving feet (and teeth)

            9. How to Use a DVD Recorder to Record the Channel You Want
            Aimed at people who have problems distinguishing one button from another

            And, last but not least, today’s session:

            10. How to Open and Close Doors Quietly
            Aimed at people who are noisy inconsiderate bastards at the best of times

            dayrealing, Chapter 2, “Golden Touch”

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