Sunday, January 27, 2013

The News From Spain

The news from Spain is not good: more than 6 million people unemployed, and rising; 56% unemployment among youngsters, and rising; 500 homes repossessed every day, and rising.

At least, Greece is giving us a good run for our money. Hang on a minute. Did I say 'money'? Most of it is in Switzerland and Argentina if the rumours about our government's former treasurer and his creative accounting practices are proven to be true. 'Why don't you transfer all your money to your UK account?' asked my father. 'What money?!' I replied. Besides, the last time I tried to transfer money from Spain to Britain, it never arrived, even if this didn't stop NatWest charging me a 25-pound mishandling fee. Even so, I thank my lucky stars that I still have a job and a home to go to. Who knows? I may even get the last Spanish pension before they turn the lights out.
On the writing front, sales are going from strength to strength, and it can only be a matter of millennia before I achieve a major breakthrough. This month I have released three more books in my Spanglish for Impatient People series, and initial download figures have been promising. I won't bore you with my successes, however, as I imagine you've come here to hear about my latest failures, haven't you? If that's the case, you'll be delighted to learn that Spanish for Rhythmic People continues to languish in the US Amazon charts, thanks in no small part to a dissatisfied arsehole customer:
To add insult to injury, the reviewer opens with a double negative – "Should not recommend this book to no one" and adds, "Thanks God did not pay much". I was sorely tempted to comment, "Perhaps you should have begun with English for Monosyllabic People?" But that would have been rude, of course, and totally out of character for me. Besides, on scrolling down, I was delighted to read that divine justice had already taken its course:
"Headaches, acne, diarrhea, sore throat, nausea and more!" How wonderful! My poor tormentor may yet rue the day they picked up my silly phrasebook.
Thanks for reading!

Pattern 18: di-di-DUM-di di-di-DUM-di

Hacen footing en el camping

A los hechos me remito
Look at the facts
A los HEchos me reMIto

¿Desde cuándo sabes tanto?
Since when did you become an expert?
¿Desde CUÁNdo sabes TANto?

Hacen footing en el camping
They go jogging in the campsite
Hacen FOOTing en el CAMPing

He pisado ese charco
I stepped in that puddle
He piSAdo ese CHARco

Lo que tú digas, cariño
Whatever you say, darling
Lo que digas, caRIño

¡Me importa un pepino!
I couldn’t care less!
¡Me imPORta un pePIno!

Mis alumnos son huevones
My students are lazy sods
Mis aLUMnos son hueVONes

¿Qué estás insinuando?
What are you insinuating?
¿Qué esTÁS insinuANdo?

¿Sabes cuál es tu problema?
Do you know what your problem is?
¿Sabes CUÁL es tu proBLEma?

¿Y qué quieres que yo haga?
And what do you want me to do about it?
¿Y qué QUIEres que yo HAga?
Spanish for Rhythmic People, Pattern 18, di-di-DUM-di di-di-DUM-di

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